Addressing the Lingering Loss of Covid-era Zoom Bar/Bat Mitzvah Students

By Rabbi Paul Kipnes, Rabbi Julia Weisz, Andrew Fromer (Teen Engagement Coordinator), Rachel Altfeld (Senior Educator) and Rabbinic Intern Samantha Thal

How does a synagogue bring healing and wholeness to a whole generation of teens whose pivotal Jewish transition unfolded either in front of a Zoom screen in their living room or a sanctuary of mask wearers sitting six feet apart? Introducing B’Mitzvah 2.0, an antidote to the Covid-era Zoom B’Mitzvah students and their families. [B’Mitzvah is our chosen non-gendered term for a Bar / Bat / Beit Mitzvah.]

Too many teens are still struggling two plus years after Covid quarantine protocols left them living life at a distance from friends and loved ones. They missed birthday parties and school commencements, hugs and hand holding, school trips and summer camp. Far too many became B’Mitzvah away from the synagogue, instead taking the first steps on the path to becoming an adult on Zoom. It is time for staff teams to address the lingering sense of loss.

Experts like Dr. Betsy Stone remind us that the disappointment and dislocation will continue on as these young people work to integrate their former feelings. We are also uncovering the depth of their parents’ pain, which continues long after they held their children during quarantine’s deepest disappointments. Each of them, teens and their parents, thirst for experiences that recapture lost hope and celebrate the simchas stunted by their synagogue’s necessary covid-era restrictions.

Reaching Out to Reconnect, Teen by Teen

B’Mitzvah 2.0 focused on students who became B’Mitzvah on Zoom, those who read from paper instead of a Torah scroll, those whose parties were indefinitely postponed, grandparents who longed to see their children blessed on the bimah and parents who still feel the pain of disappointing their dear children. It grew out of Congregation Or Ami’s (Calabasas, CA) multi-year initiative to redesign our programs to reach into the lives of those who feel disconnected or left behind. Or Ami has been reaching out, teen by teen, family by family, slowly, kindly, painstakingly, to reconnect with even the most disconnected. Anchored by our Neshama [soul] Initiative (which is supported by the Jewish Federation of Greater Los Angeles’ Jewish Teen Initiative, Mt. Sinai Memorial Parks Community Grant and a group of committed congregants), we strive to reclaim our pastoral and programmatic role offering support, spiritual sustenance and inspiration.

Our First (Failed) Attempt

Congregation Or Ami had scheduled an August 2021 series of individual holy moments in the sanctuary for each B’Mitzvah student during which the rabbis and cantor were to bless them before their parents and grandparents. However, that summer’s COVID Delta variant interfered, causing us to cancel again. So we waited. We regrouped. And in November 2022, we launched B’Mitzvah 2.0.

B’Mitzvah 2.0: Pervasive, Proactive Reaching Out

Our youth engagement team reached out to every teen who became B’Mitzvah with us on Zoom. We listened to their experiences, asked what would make them feel whole and floated the idea of a second ceremony in the sanctuary with their rabbis and cantor. We also called, engaged and sometimes lobbied parents to encourage their teens to show up.

We intentionally also contacted former congregant families, those who resigned from the synagogue in the aftermath of the covid-era B’Mitzvah experience. We felt that the trauma of this stunted simcha called us to offer them healing too.

Beautiful paper B’Mitzvah invitations were sent to all synagogue teens as well as to their non-temple friends. Multiple calls and texts to the teens and their parents ensured everyone had the opportunity to attend. Ultimately, more than 50% of the identified group attended, dressed in suits and slacks, blouses and beautiful outfits.

Making It Feel Like a B’Mitzvah Celebration

They entered a synagogue decorated like a stereotypical B’Mitzvah celebration. They walked through a balloon arch and processed past a photo montage of each student as a little kid and today. Families took turns ascending the bimah for pictures taken by a volunteer professional photographer. Donning kippah and tallit, these teens were more mature versions of their younger selves about whom we kvelled through the small screen Zoom boxes.

View the B’Mitzvah 2.0 video.

Review our order of service here.

Using Havdala to Separate Disappointment and Joy

The ceremony was crafted around a havdala service. In addition to moving us from Shabbat into the regular week, this havdala also represented a first-step transition from the lingering disappointments of the zoom B’Mitzvah toward a celebration of their tenacity, spirituality and budding adulthood. It also expressed our mutual desire to narrow the distance that might have grown between them and their synagogue “second home.”

The B’Mitzvah 2.0 service married discussion of the disappointment of those days with the overflowing pride we felt that each of them had courageously chosen to go forward with their simcha nonetheless. Our words interwove the intense sadness that they felt and that we, their rabbis and cantor, had experienced as we imperfectly guided them. We recalled the joy and love we felt nonetheless back then and now too, seeing these blessed beings gathered together in the sanctuary.

Finally, A B’Mitzvah Blessing Before the Ark

Interspersed between the havdala blessings, groups of B’Mitzvah students ascended the bimah to share prepared responses to one of three prompts. It was beautiful.

• After the wine, some wondered, “The sweetness I hold onto from my B’Mitzvah is…”

• After the spices, others shared, “I have changed by becoming a B’mitzvah in that I am now…”

• After the candle, still others commented, “Since becoming a B’Mitzvah my eyes have been opened to…”

  
  

Cantor Doug Cotler, now Or Ami’s emeritus cantor, returned from retirement to sing the same music, including his Standing on the Shoulders and Josh Nelson’s L’dor Vador, that he would have for all such simchas. Our teen songleaders and rabbinic intern joined in. Simultaneously, each student stood with their rabbis before the ark doors for a personalized blessing. Tears flowed, theirs and ours, as even the most stoic teens displayed overflowing emotion. We witnessed a poignant combination of appreciation and inspiration, of sadness redirected and relief. We gave each student gifts and certificates and (for those comfortable) a big hug.

Standing Under our “Chuppah of Blessing”

Congregation Or Ami has a specially commissioned 16′ by 20′ tallit. We unfurled it in front of the bimah, inviting family and friends to hold it. We then invited under the chuppah of blessing every student who became B’Mitzvah at any time at Or Ami,  whether during the intensity of Covid, before or after. Under that holy space, the rabbis and cantor blessed the whole group with Birkat Kohanim (Leviticus’ Priestly Benediction), reminding them:

• That they each have a special place in this synagogue, in the Jewish community, and in our hearts

• That they still have our cell numbers in their phones because we are always here to help them through the sad times and to celebrate the joyous ones (and for all the in between moments too)

• That we praise their parents, grandparents and friends too because they held them through one of the hardest experiences most of them had as yet endured

  
  

We encouraged them to come back to the synagogue often, whether as madrichim (role models for the younger students), to participate in our travel programs or just to enjoy being in their second home. Then together we praised the Holy One, shehecheyanu, for giving us life, for keeping us alive and for bringing us to this holy moment.

Parents Released their Tears Too

Tears flowed freely, this time from their parents whose responses simultaneously warmed and broke our hearts:

“Young people, our kids, their friends, kids worldwide, bore the brunt of the pain. Yet this synagogue was the first to organize anything to embrace the disappointment and heal the hurt. Thank you!”

“Our son usually does not express his feelings. But you saw him. His face revealed the deep emotion he felt. We are so thankful that our community is bringing him back in.”

Post-Ceremony Party

After parents shared hugs and then departed, our youth engagement team flipped a few switches to bathe the synagogue in disco lights. Balloons were tossed about, the smell of fresh popcorn and cotton candy wafted through the building and the music started blaring. The DJ played their favorite B’Mitzvah music and our youth team guided everyone in a series of minute-to-win-it games. We set up materials for a shared Mitzvah project, as well as face painting, henna tattoos and photo booths.

What’s Next in Project B’Mitzvah 2.0?

We still have significant work to do:

• Providing opportunities for students who never read from a Torah scroll to do so (remember when we thought Covid was spread on surfaces?)

• Inviting students individually to attend our travel programs: to Arizona with TzedekAmerica, to Washington DC with the Religious Action Center’s L’taken social justice seminars and to our own Federation-supported Pop Up retreat and rejuvenate weekend

• Rebuilding relationships with students and families who are still struggling or who otherwise did not attend

  
  

As Dr. Betsy Stone reminds us, the pain and disappointment of this intense period will not disappear quickly. Still, as communities devote time and resources to renew the ties that bind us l’dor vador (from generation to generation), teens and parents will take one more step down the path of healing and hope.

Consider creating your own B’Mitzvah 2.0 for your youth and community.

View the B’Mitzvah 2.0 video.

Review our order of service here.