Facing Shiva: I Don’t Like Being that One

I don’t like being the one Who others are supposed to take care of I don’t like being the one Whose emotions might be out of control, I don’t like being the one Who they’re sending the Brent’s Deli tray to I don’t like being that one - The caretaker, that is my role I don’t like being the one Who must light a big shiva candle I don’t like being the one Who feels drained so much of the time, I don’t like being the one To whom they address beautiful condolences notes I don’t like being that one I do the caring - that role is mine I don’t like being the one Whose daddy’s gone back to the earth now I don’t like being the one Whose “new normal” now has death in it too, I don’t like being the one Who now sits shiva, says Kaddish I’m supposed to be the communal leader, Who responds with the strong Brich Hu I don’t like being the one Who might get tired listening to others I don’t like being the one Who feels alone without strength to reach out, I don’t like being the one Who doesn’t call others to check in As I worry I’ll feel compassion fatigue And my own sense of caring drought I don’t like being the one Contemplating what was and what isn’t now I don’t like being the one Who must just go with the emotional flood, But they say I must lean into it As it washes over me And accept that in pain I’m still loved  

Explore more poetry about mourning Papa (my dad, Ken Kipnes). Watch my videos about mourning Enjoy more of my spoken word poetry