When Sitting Shiva Is Not Possible: Jewish Paths Through Grief When Life Gets in the Way

When someone we love dies, Judaism offers us the gift of shiva. Yet what do we do when sitting shiva is not possible? 

For seven days (shiva come from sheva meaning “seven”), mourners step away from the ordinary demands of life and enter sacred time unlike any other. Family and friends visit. Stories are shared. Meals are brought. Kaddish prayer is recited. Tears are welcomed. Memories are honored. For seven days, we learn to live in a world that has been reshaped by loss. 

The rabbis understood that when someone dies, Creation itself feels altered. Perhaps that is why shiva lasts seven days. Just as God took seven days to create the world, mourners are given seven days to begin creating a new reality, a world in which the person we love is no longer physically present, yet remains profoundly present in memory, story, and love.

Shiva, one of Judaism’s great acts of wisdom and compassion, guides us to begin the sacred work of moving forward, carrying their memory into the world we are now learning to inhabit. It helps us honor the life of the person who died, acknowledge the reality of our loss, receive comfort from the community, and begin the long journey of healing.

But sometimes shiva isn’t possible.

At least in the most traditional ways.

A mourner may live far from family. Caregiving responsibilities, work obligations, travel, health concerns, military service, or other circumstances may make a traditional week of shiva difficult or impossible.

Our rabbis taught:

“A person should not say, ‘I will go to my house and eat and drink and be at peace with myself.’”

— Talmud, Taanit 11a

The rabbis understood that grief is not meant to be carried alone. Shiva helps us remember, mourn, receive comfort, and begin adjusting to a world that has been reshaped by loss.

When traditional shiva is not possible, those needs do not disappear. We still need ways to honor the one we love, to make space for our grief, and to feel the embrace of community.

While nothing fully replaces shiva, these practices might help us carry its wisdom, comfort, and spirit into our lives:

1. Create a Daily Sacred Pause

Set aside 15–30 minutes each day during the first week after the death. Journal, read a psalm, light a memorial candle, sit quietly, look at photographs, or simply allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise.

One of shiva’s gifts is that it creates time for grief. A daily sacred pause helps ensure that sorrow is not pushed aside by the demands of everyday life.

2. Gather a Circle of Remembrance

Invite family members and friends to gather, either in person or online, for fifteen minutes to an hour of storytelling and memory sharing.

Ask simple questions:

• What do you remember most?

• What made them laugh?

• What lesson did they teach you?

• What part of them lives on in you?

Often, the stories we hear become part of our own healing.

3. Recite Kaddish or Another Prayer Daily

Whether privately at home, through an online minyan, or at synagogue, establish a daily prayer practice.

You might recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, Psalm 23, El Malei Rachamim, the Shema, or simply offer your own words.

Judaism understands that ritual and repetition help steady us when life feels unsteady.

4. Study Torah or Jewish Wisdom in Their Memory

For generations, Jews have honored loved ones through learning. Choose a chapter of Pirkei Avot, a weekly Torah portion, a favorite Jewish book, or any learning connected to your loved one’s values and interests.

Before beginning, simply say: “I dedicate this learning to the memory of ______.”  In this way, their influence continues to shape the world.

5. Give Daily Tzedakah

Place a tzedakah box in your home and make a contribution each day during the first week of mourning. Or, go online each day, and make a donation to a different charitable organization or synagogue. 

Choose causes that mattered to your loved one or to you, or causes that reflect the values they embodied.

Many mourners find comfort in transforming loss into acts of generosity and goodness.

6. Create a Memory Space

Set aside a small table, shelf, or corner of your home. Include photographs, meaningful objects, a memorial candle, a siddur, or treasured keepsakes.

Just as shiva transforms a home into sacred space, a memory space becomes a personal sanctuary where grief, remembrance, and gratitude can coexist.

7. Collect Stories and Memories

Invite friends and family to send photographs, written memories, voice recordings, favorite recipes, or letters.

Send an email or text inviting them to share a memory, story, or photograph. Compile them into a journal, scrapbook, digital folder, or memory book.

One of the great blessings of mourning is discovering aspects of our loved one through the eyes of others.

8. Wear a Visible Symbol of Mourning

Traditionally, mourners perform keriah, tearing a ribbon or garment as a sign of grief. If traditional shiva is not possible, consider wearing a ribbon, bracelet, pin, or other simple symbol during the first week.

Such symbols acknowledge that something significant has happened and quietly invite others to extend compassion.

9. Mark the Seven Days Intentionally

The rabbis wisely created a seven day period because grief should not be rushed.

Consider giving each day a focus:

• Day One: Acknowledging the loss

• Day Two: Gratitude

• Day Three: Sharing stories

• Day Four: Forgiveness and unfinished conversations

• Day Five: Lessons learned

• Day Six: Community and support

• Day Seven: Blessing and moving forward

This gentle structure can provide guidance during a time that often feels disorienting.

“The human soul is the lamp of God.”

— Proverbs 20:27

Even after a loved one’s death, their light continues to shine through the values they taught, the kindness they shared, the traditions they passed down, and the lives they touched. The practices above help us tend that sacred flame.

The deepest purpose of shiva has never been the low chair, the covered mirrors, or even the house itself.

The purpose of shiva is to slow down long enough to recognize that a precious life mattered, that a death changes us, and that no mourner should have to walk through grief alone.

Any practice that helps us honor the life, grieve the loss, and receive the embrace of community carries something of the sacred spirit of shiva.

And perhaps that is why our tradition offers mourners these words:

Makom yenachem etchem b’toch sha’ar aveilei Tziyon v’Yerushalayim.

May the Holy One comfort you among all who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem.

Notice that the blessing does not promise that grief will disappear or that pain will quickly fade. Rather, it reminds us that comfort comes from being held within a community of people who understand loss, who share our humanity, and help us find our footing again.

May the memory of your loved one be a blessing.