Eulogies - Beginnings, Middles and Endings for HUC-JIR Students

Resources for Preparing for Funerals and Eulogies Compiled by Rabbi Paul KipnesPurpose: Provide comfort for family, and for community   Intake Guidelines: Ask lots of questions, listen carefully, and take copious notes Whatever you say, that you don’t want me to say, let me know. If people from family who will speak, I let them say the story. Who speaks first – rabbi or family? Chuck-rabbi first; Paul-rabbi last; Leah-rabbi last I tend to give broad picture – chronology, how/where met spouse, what kind of parent. I’m here to paint the lines; family will fill in the colors. Draw for me the family tree   Hesped/Eulogy: Jewish content? Depends on the family. Digging deep into the parasha, may not. I connect to Yamim Noraim. Speak to heart first, head second. I speak in language of “we” – also prevents me from having to say, “I didn’t know the person” I have a series of opening words/stories that I use. 2-4 minutes per eulogy; must be written down

Contents

• After a Particularly Tragic Death

• To Create Community

• Eulogy Frames

• Eulogy for Aged Person with No Living Relatives

After a Particularly Tragic Death

Julie Brennglass, School Counselor of de Toledo High School

(formerly

New Community Jewish High School

)

:

We want to see around us the beauty of our community, the strength of our community, the gift of our community. And still, all of that beauty and strength is not good enough to make this not hurt. Having one another, having family, having faith, is just not enough to make this okay in the moment. Because this is not okay. This is tragic. But being with one another, loving one another, as we remember a loving mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, can also help begin the healing.

Rabbi Paul Kipnes:

Sometimes the gift of loving and of healing is the gift of silence. The gift of being with, sitting with. Sometimes it is just holding someone’s hand. Do something with me. For her. Hold hands with the people next to you. In times like this, it is important, to hold onto each other.

Know, as you search for the righ thing to say, that sometimes just sitting in the room, in the moment, holding hands, can be helpful. Even without the right words. Because there are no right words.

Jewish Leader Leonard Fein

, reflecting upon the death of his daughter Nomi, in a book

Against the Dying of the Light

, wrote about the

presence of the absence

. That was not the initial shock, but walking the journey of the grief and the loss. Not just missing her. But that ever-present sense of her absence.

Dr. Bruce Powell

 (Head of School, de Toledo High School)

:

My general approach is to focus on love and legacy and celebration. Her children now take on the mantle of family leadership to continue Mom’s legacy of love, tzedakah, and celebration for life. Let’s remember through celebration of good deeds, performance of good deeds, legacy of love.

University Synagogue’s Rabbi Morley Feinstein

, speaking at the funeral of 13-year-old Julia Siegler, gave voice to the pain that pervaded the room. “At such a time of grief, what can we say to give comfort to those who mourn? In truth, there are no words that can explain or any statement that can ease the sense of loss. Let’s then give voice to the depth of our pain. That it is unfair, that it hurts so much to have lived with hope and now to go home without it,” he said. “Do not attempt to give meaning to this tragedy. Do not explain that it was God’s will, or that it is for the best, or that the good die young, or that there is some kind of purpose to this, because I think those phrases make a mockery of the hurt we feel. Instead say only this. You are not alone. We love you. Your pain breaks my heart. Please know I will be there for you.” Jody Siegler, Julia’s mother, said Friday morning God blinked, but when he opened his eyes and saw what had happened, God immediately sent people to carry the family through this tragedy.  

To Create Community

At the Start of a Tragic Funeral

“We are people of many different faiths and backgrounds, joined together by love of NAME and her family, bonded by a sense of loss and pain that knows no bounds, united in our desire to bring healing to her family, to each other, to ourselves. So turn to people next to you, greet them, name & how you know NAME and/or her family.”

Teaching Guests How to be Support for the Mourners

(To be said at the end of the funeral or at graveside)

Your presence is valued and is a sign of caring. This is a time when the mourner needs others. Discomfort at another’s loss may cause you to stay away; however, this may cause the mourner to feel abandoned by friends. It is “okay” to be silent, and it is “okay” to cry together. Be a good

listener

. The mourner may need to tell the same story over and over, and to talk at length about the deceased and the sense of loss. Teens: Do not hesitate to talk to the mourner about NAME, recalling her qualities, fond memories, amusing experiences. Encourage the mourner to do the same. Remember that recovery from the loss of a dear one is neither quick nor easy. Everyone has his/her own time frame. Be loving and patient. Be prepared to be supportive for a year or more. Hugging can be supportive, but ask first to determine if the mourner would find it comforting. Be prepared for inconsistency – sometimes they will want to talk, sometimes left alone; here they might be open for help, there get upset from “compassion fatigue.” Don’t become frustrated. Relax. Come back the next day/week or so with another offer. Let us not be quick to bring salve to this wound, for the harm can be healed only by time mixed with unending, patient love.

Supporting the Mourners after the Funeral

(To be said toward the conclusion of graveside)

Rabbi Paul Kipnes:

“After a funeral, people often ask me what they can do to help the mourners. So I tell you, coming here is a gift unto itself. Unselfish. Meaningful. But our work has really just begun. Because for NAME’s family, the most difficult period is ahead, as they try to negotiate a life without NAME. Some of us will naturally stay in touch. That is beautiful. But most of us will too soon be pulled back into our lives, our families, school, work, our responsibilities. Life will move on for us. That is good. That is the blessing of life. What can we do? When you go home, take out your calendar or open your smartphone calendar app. Mark a date two weeks from now, and a month, and two months and four months, seven months and a year. Write NAME’s name on those dates. And when you see the reminder, pick up the phone, or send an email or text. You might say “I was thinking about NAME and about you, and I wanted to share with you a memory I have of him/her.” Or just as meaningfully, you might say, “I was thinking about NAME, and about you, and I was wondering if YOU would share with me a memory/story so I could remember her/him.” We Jews are a people of

yizkor

, of memory. As long as we remember where we have come from, we will have a sense of where we are, and perhaps we can catch a glimpse of where we will be going.”  

Eulogy Frames

Wandering in the Wilderness: Adapted from Rabbi Dara Frimmer

At this time, in the Jewish calendar year, we find ourselves in the midst of the book of Numbers – wandering through the wilderness. We have long since left Egypt. We have crossed the Red Sea – the memory of its miraculous parting has already faded. The colors are less vibrant. God’s presence seems more distant. Now we are wandering…they tell us we headed to the Promised Land, where all of us will delight in a land flowing with milk and honey. Yet, in the front of us, there is only vast, open space: unfamiliar, barren, and frightening. Behind us – more of the same. We follow…one in front of the other – far up ahead someone seems to be leading us. But, there is an ever-growing expanse – a space between us. And in that distance, there is so much we don’t know – so much we don’t understand. These are the dimensions of the ancient wilderness… This is the experience of wandering. Today, as we mourn the death of NAME, we find ourselves, like our ancestors, wandering, once again. It feels as though we have lost our way. We look behind us. We are

certain

that we should not be here…in this space. At this time. And yet, here we are… We try to look ahead. Searching for our guide – our God. To ask: “Why are we here? Where are we going? How will we get there?” To dig our heels into the ground and challenge the distant leader: “Don’t you see that you took us along the wrong path? …that we should NOT have come this way!?” We are diminished – depleted. Empty as the wilderness around us. More than hunger or thirst – we yearn for our loved one who has left us. We try to listen for her voice:

Tell us, NAME, just one more time before you go –

tell us with certainty and strength, with confidence and determination about who we are and who we need to be and what we need to do. Tell us fiercely and unapologetically. Tell us with courage and conviction. Tell us. For not

one

of us feels ready to accept THIS as our reality. As our life.  

Honi and the Carob Tree: A Frame for a Eulogy

(From a creative East Coast Conservative Rabbi)

The story is one from the Talmud (Taanit 23a). In it a miracle-working rabbi named Honi sees a man planting a carob tree. Honi: "How long will it take for that tree to bear fruit?" The man said, “Seventy years. Are you certain that you will live for another seventy years?” asked Honi incredulously.
The man famously replied, “I found mature carob trees in the world. Just as my forebearers planted for me, so I too plant these for my children.”
The story reminds me of NAME in three ways. First, it is a story about connection to the past. The man planting the tree had a keen sense that who he was, his life, was a continuation of grand traditions. (

Talk about NAME’S past accomplishments, history.

) Second, the message of the story of that man who planted a carob tree is that he was aware of the past but he understood that the future was crucial as well. That is the second way the story is connected to NAME. He lived a life that exemplified: “Just as my forbearers planted for me, so I too plant these for my children.” He looked forward. (

Talk about NAME’S gifts to his family, to community and future.

) Third, there is a third lesson in the story about Honi and the man and carob tree. Up until now, I spoke of the vertical connections implied by the story--how the man planting was connected to his past and his future. But there is a part of the story that people don’t often notice. The simple fact of conversation between this miracle-working man named Honi and the man planting the tree. Honi stopped to talk to this person. How many people do we walk by every day without initiating conversation? NAME made horizontal connections between all of the people in his life. (

Talk about how NAME made connections with and among people.

)

From Jerusalem Talmud, Berachot 4:2

In Rabbi Yannai's school of Torah-study, it was taught: May it be Your will, Eternal God, that you give me a good heart, a good portion

, an inclination to do good, a good friend, a good reputation, a good eye and a good essence, and a humble essence, and a humble spirit.

Also:

Rabbi Sam Stahl: The Rev. Dr. William Sloan Coffin was asked how he could believe in God after the tragic death of his son. I found his response helpful and insightful: "God gives us minimum protection, but maximum support."  

From Rabbi Chuck Briskin

It is hard to come to terms with the death of a beloved man like Richard who left this world so suddenly, without warning.  When learning of Richard’s death, I thought of the powerful memoir written by

Joan Didion

, reflecting on the sudden death of her husband, John Dunne; “Life changes fast,” she writes. “Life changes in the instant.  You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.”  Because Antonette didn’t have a chance to say goodbye this last very ordinary Saturday morning, she knows Didion’s words well.  So do Jennifer, Michael and Bob; so do Ed, Carole and Robert.

Sheryl Sandberg

, the C.O.O of Facebook is mourning the recent death of her husband, who also died very suddenly. In a widely circulated essay she posted yesterday she writes, “I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice.  You can give into the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe.  Or you can try to find meaning.   I have spent many moments in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well.  But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.” It is hard to believe that Joanne's physical presence is no longer with us.  However, death only takes the body, not the memories of our beloved.  And Joanne left us with many great memories, filled with love, selflessness and joy.

The poet Ingersoll writes

, “

added to the sum of human joy; and were everyone for whom

did some loving service to bring a blossom to

grave,

would sleep tonight beneath a wilderness of flowers.”

The Kotsker Rebbe

teaches that the most perfect thing in the world is a broken heart.  Not because anyone wants a broken heart but rather because it is one of the few things that is pure and honest In

Saul Bellow’s novel

More Die of Heartbreak

,

a botanist is asked by a reporter about radioactive pollution. “It’s terribly serious, of course,” replies the botanist. “But I think more people die of heartbreak.”  Indeed, our hearts are broken today as we continue to grieve over the death of a beloved husband, father, brother, grand-father, and dear friend, Richard Medoff

From Rabbi Don Goor:

We’ve come together to remember someone who lived not only a full life but someone who lived a wonderful life!  In her almost 94 years, Jeannette knew joy and knew love.  She was surrounded until the end by family, by so many who loved and adored her.  Her brother Jack, her niece Sheri and nephew Stuart, her wonderful great grandchildren:  Ryan, Tyler and Josh; her adoring grandchildren: Bruce and Laurie, Larry and Deb, and Debby; and her devoted children, Ethel and Bud, Norman and Leslie; and of course, for 67 years, her loving husband Sam.  All of you who were her family, you were her joy, her pleasure, her passion. We’ve come together today to celebrate her life, her accomplishments, and her legacy.  

Eulogy for Aged Person with No Living Relatives

Rabbi ‪Jeff Goldwasser:‪

Share what you know. Keep it short. Don't harp on this as a "sad situation" if she didn't experience it as sad. Surviving ones peers has a certain inevitable sadness to it, but recognize the positive, too. It's not a "fault" to live long.

Rabbi ‪Larry Freedman:‪

We get a very short time on this earth to live out our mitzvot, make a difference, improve the world, love our friends and family. There is great urgency to our lives as we never know how much time we get. Sometimes, however, we beat the average, get 98 years. And we outlive those who can tell the tales of our success. But no doubt she was able to ...

Rabbi ‪Jeff Salkin:

‪ I think of what it says in the

unetaneh tokef

-- that God

zocher et Kol ha-nishkachot

. God is now reciting her eulogy on high. Focus on her membership in the Zionist organization and what that meant, how every effort to build the state of Israel is holy. Leo Baeck once said we Jews have very old eyes. Imagine what her eyes saw

Rabbi Zoe Klein:‪

You will officiate a lot of funerals for people who live long lives. It is good to have material that talks about what it means for a life to span nearly a century, bearing witness to so much change, wars, depression, tech, transportation, Israel. The sheer volume of witness. What fullness of eyes! A library that's been locked, filled with history, chronicles, mysteries we've yet to solve. It is valuable for you to write it because you'll use it again and again. Then add a little Torah portion, time of the year, a teaching on the 23rd psalm about evolving from the shepherded herd drinking from streams, to the dignified upright, at a table with a cup, moving from outside in the pasture to inside God's house, from following the shepherd to being a leader oneself with goodness and mercy and a lifetime of deeds following you. There is SO much to say at the funeral of a centenarian!