I Never Knew: A Rabbi's Poem about Mourning

I never knew. I never knew what this felt like. I really never knew. 27 years as a rabbi, caring for others and yet, I never knew. After all those sermons about death and dying, about loss and living on, I never knew. Through the innumerable condolence calls, leading countless shiva minyanim, in fact I never knew. Over years of checking in on others, In late night calls and texts Just so they would know They were not alone, That we hadn’t forgotten, Still I never knew. Even after officiating at funeral after funeral after funeral, Until the losses piled up so high that They became part of the cycle of life Yet each one representing a precious moment of memory, a unique life, For some reason I never knew. Yes He was old And yes He was ill And yes He was ready And yet, still While my loss is no greater, and My pain is no sharper, while My sadness is no deeper Than those of countless others. Still This sadness, this sorrow Is like no other Because although I have counseled many others Through the valley of the shadow of death, Nonetheless Nonetheless Today this death is mine And I am starting to realize: The emptiness of loss The sadness of what isn’t anymore The foreverness of it all. You see My dad is dead. And what is that like? I think I wish I never knew.  

Explore more poetry about mourning Papa (my dad, Ken Kipnes). Watch my videos about mourning Enjoy more of my spoken word poetry